Before and After
Leaving behind 2023. Moving forward with making the most of things.
Making the most of things - a beginning.
2023 was a year of love and loss, gratitude and grief, trust and transition.
There is a before and an after:
dad smiling at me, beer foam in his moustache, life twinkling in his eyes
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a void in my heart, pieces scattered through hospital corridors, train lines and the raging sea.
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working without stopping, never being enough, pushing productivity until my bones ache, my mind fractured, holding it all in until I break
/
Rest
Sitting on the sofa hurting, after big nights and nothing days, Sooty sleeping on my lap
An abundance of love in the arms of my partner and friends- the antidote to waiting, keeping me company as the grief travels through my body like a deep chill you can’t shake off. They pile blankets on top of me until my teeth stop chattering, cups of tea are delivered to warm my hands and insides passing by the hole in my heart. They are there when the tears come in streets, bars, cars, laughing at my unfunny messages, not commenting on my unhinged use of emojis, and when I’m dreaming and needing to leave and going- reminding me that I can stop, breathe, leap, take all the time I need
Cooking elaborate meals for my family, crocheting like crazy and actually finishing things, walking on the beach wind wilding my hair, dad everywhere and nowhere, watching the sea return to itself and putting one foot in front of the other
Pursuit of joy
Dancing in a field with thousands of bodies who all have their own stories that got them here, glittery, bold and unapologetically enjoying everything by carrying him with me, standing on stage and speaking him into existence with a call to let the light in, knowing that energy never dies
Drinking coffee in the Spanish countryside, too hot but not caring because you’ve never known peace like it, beautiful souls entwining with yours, seeing and being seen, caring and being cared for, being and becoming
Writing word by word to form a collection of words, my fingertips contain worlds when I let them
Being everyone’s cheerleader, passing belief in hugs and affirmations for the young artists, dreamers, and collaborators. Community is everything, feed it with unfiltered enthusiasm
Not waiting for one day to come, taking the chance now.
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Before is a memory bathed in moonlight shimmery and distant.
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After is the bottom of the ocean, dark, unfathomable but beautiful in its calm and chaos. Capable of never-ending depth.
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Forward is trusting myself, asking questions but moving without answers, letting go of old metrics and letting in light. Caring less and caring more. Going steady. Breaking patterns. Making the most of things. Making things. Trying. Connecting. Craving. Being cringey and too much. Dating places. Falling in love with the people I love over and over again and inviting in new connections. Telling stories and eating good food. Walking and stretching. Breathing in love and breathing it out.
***
Taking the sea with me- tattoo by @wellgoodmate_
2024- I’ll be sharing my words with you.
I’ve been hiding but no more. This year I want to do all the things, starting here. 2023 taught me that joining a community of writers makes my life fuller, so I’ve turned up to this one. Musings and poetry from my adventures, big feelings and dreams to come.
With love,
Rachel